Wednesday, October 22, 2008 @ 6:16 AM
i'm not angry actually.
i'm sad.
disappointed again...
disheartened again...
was worried but u didn't believe it...
yet i can't cry out loud anymore....
y?
am i used to it?
or rather am i too used to it?
am i not waiting for the change anymore?
am i too disheartened?
am i just fading away from this relationship?
or are we fading away from this relationship?
i didn't know i was such a gf in ur eyes till just now...
u made me felt disgusted about myself...
what am i?
an total unreasonable, uncaring, selfish ''f*cking'' gf....
i didn't expect any of those words u used to come (no, it's blasting ) from you...
yes, i do blame myself...
y?
y can't i grow out of my 'childishness' (which u called it)?
y i can't be understanding?
y didn't i try hard enough?
y didn't i try even harder?
y does it always end up as my fault?
and did u ask yourself too?
so to sum up... i'm the problem in this relationship...
cos i'm worthless.
: if the offensive words above rings a bell to u...
yes, those are words u used.
sometimes, saying sorry can't erase those words that u said...
i do forgive u for saying those words...i can even excuse u...u said those bcos u are tired...
but i can't forget them...
to me, if u really love someone...even if u were in a heated argument...u will not used those words...or try not to...
but to you,
maybe...those were just words...just words u used when you are tired and frustrated?
just words u don't mean it?
just words u say and forget?
just words u think u don't mean it or u think don't hurts much?
just words u think u can just simply apologise and it'll be forgiven?
yes i'm a coward in this relationship...
i'm truly afraid of losing someone so dear so important...someone i love.
sometimes i do tend to conceal my fears by speaking louder...
sometimes i'm so scared that i shiver? did u noticed?
i'm always finding reasons/excuses for you secretly. which u didnt know...
people around me should know.
i'm not saying i'm noble...
but i'm saying to say i did try to understand...
and all i ask for is a simple 10s call or a 5s short sms...
seriously, touch ur heart and then say again...u really don't have the 10s...
to tell me u are busy going to work very very late...or not fetching me etc.
most importantly to know u are ok at work...
this whole week is diving phase, don't u think i won't be the least worried about u?
in the waters all day...rain and shine...of course i know u are tired...
i try not to complain...i try not to disturb u at night...i try to bathe early n turn in early so i could sleep in with u?
did u see i tried?
did u see i try to contain my bad temper at times?
and...wat i see u is...having mood swings... super nice sometimes but bad temper at times even though u are not tired...is it a habit? is it action u show u can't be bothered?
i don't know...
just now...before i could say anything...have u checked ur attitude and tone in the only call u made the whole day?
but of cos i did see u trying to contain ur tiredness and give me smiles after work...sometimes...
i do see things u did...
things u did for me that kept me holding on to this relationship tightly.
cos i do know i might never find someone else who might do the same for me...
but...this time round...
i'm seriously have to think through.
i think u should too.
and not telling me to just tell u wat i want...not just asking to me 'let u know i don't want to keep this relationship'
it's really not whether i want or not now...
but how much we(me and you,not just you) are willing to do to salvage this wounded relationship?
and ask yourself seriously:
is she not putting effort in the relationship?
is this really the relationship u want?
is this the girl that u really love?
is she really suitable for you?
is she worth it?
and is she someone u want to spend your life with?